2014-08-08 00:40:00 by KatMaestro

A new challenge for me. I'm all for it. I really want to see how far can I reach. I'm really sure from the beginning that I'm totally no match for PeterSatera, this dude is a titan... If I and JRob make it, I would totally do a celebration on Skype immediately.

I gotta try very hard then.

Fear. It's scary. I had night terror a few days ago. It came like a storm. I did not know what I did after waking up, but my brother told me that even my neighbor heard my screams. He told me at a point, I stopped breathing. The amount of stress I'm getting is very high. Work, my father's cancer, my sleeping problem and I'm returning to alcoholic stage. Fuck me. I'm dying slowly.

I hate myself. I don't know if I can pass this contest. And my life. We'll see. @PeterSatera... dude you're awesome and I'm rooting for you. (yeah it's suck to root for the opponent... heh)

I think I should stop trolling people on the forums and be myself again. It's sad that I'm trying to cope with my problem by causing someone else some problem. Perhaps I should focus on people's actual problem and help them for once.


My music career is getting better tho. The ARMA project is very bright, and I was offered to do a 2nd project in near future. My GF works in UofT flim & music faculty and they wanted to hire some experienced composer for some of their projects. So my GF introduced me to them and I got a part time job asap. So they played my music actual on NG and accept my position. Fun time... I'm going to writing music for films with live orchestra and choir bands! Yay.

I guess I finally found myself again. After 15 years... So long. So lost. So lonely.

So... How are you, NG friends?


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2014-08-08 09:19:20

Reet luv. Just trying to find myself, accept the good that I do have (even though it's difficult for me to see it). Chipping away at my submission, and healing from past wounds. Chin up, whatever happens, let us trust we'll make it through.

KatMaestro responds:

Thank you a lot for the thoughts. I think the depression is improving. I start taking meds again and they improved my mood quite good recently. But most important of all is the support I'm getting on both NG music community and IRL.

:) I really want to make it in and at least get a chance to compete with you in NGADM. I really want to unleash hells on an amateur musician like me. I can learn much much more thing from this awesome experience. But first I gotta survive PeterSatera! :(


2014-08-10 11:08:54

Hope all goes well with your dad and everything else.
It's good to hear your moving forward with your music it would be awesome to hear your music in movies! Let us know when you get your first film scoring done :)
And don't worry too much about the NGADM it's just composers getting together having fun. Music should never be a real competition because what makes ones music better than the other?
Just have fun :D

KatMaestro responds:

Yes, music shouldn't be competitive. I was talking with a friend sometime ago and he was questioning about why music from different genres have to matter, and why not instead of the quality of the music itself. Your and his thoughts on this are very fair. It is also true that in contest, we can learn a lot from each other. I'm quite torn between deciding the pro and con of music competition...

They're local projects mostly, I don't think it's even bigger than outside the town's movie. Although one of the project's director I'm going to work with is national award-winning dude, which is very exciting for me to experience this!

Thank you for your thoughts a lot dude! I really want to see you in NGADM this year though... :( perhaps next year then!


2014-08-10 18:24:29

I'm quite depressed and annoyed. When I am like this, I get frustrated no matter what I try to do. I've had difficulty with jobs in the past, and things have gotten worse. I have quit graduate school and am looking for a job, but I am afraid that in my state I am inadequate. There are days that I can't concentrate on anything because I am so easily distracted, and other days because I am so sleepy because of insomnia. Last night I could only manage 3.25 hours of sleep. That is not enough.

In good news, I have finally managed to contact two really important friends who have been out of touch for months. I've been really worried about them, and they are among the very few people I feel like can understand me, the few people that make me feel like I am not alone in this world.

I'm working on a music project for somebody. I'm doing better than I expected on it, though still not quite good enough, but I'm having software and hardware issues. As usual. :/

I am very excited about your new music writing job!


2014-08-16 09:54:42

Whoah! It's great to hear that stuff is beginning to go well for you musicwise again! :D
I'm really happy for you in this regard.

More night terrors though? That's not fun at all :( They're pretty unusual at your age, but I guess they're related to all the stress.
Is your father doing any better at all :/ ?
I hope you'll be able to recover from this eventually. Just hang in there ;)

I have been better myself, but I guess I'll just have to endure the army for now, as it's only a small portion of my life -_-
It might sound like stupid whining, but things are really not that great at all there, imo.


2014-08-16 11:41:58

Oh Hey KatMaestro! I had no idea you posted this, wierdly didn't come up in my notifications. It just so happens I was..snooping around. ;)

I hope you're doing well. I know the pressure you can be under to have a loved one who is unwell. Unfortunately I've experienced this a few times, Mum first then my dad and now after 5 years my mum again who recently last week received her last treatment. It's tough to watch your loved ones suffer and all you can do is sit by and watch it happen keeping up appearances and maintain, trying to be positive.

You're a great opponent to be up against, and I honestly believe with what you are producing you can take the group. To be honest the nights and hours I've put into my track was because of you and Jrob. I really felt I had to push myself further and further to try and get to my groups skill and quality. If I get there...

A lot of people go out there way to be an ass on the internet. I used to get on at people too. Then something changed when I got older. It was way too easy to be this behind the curtain dick. The internet was full of them and I was just being one of those half a cup empty guys contributing to it all. Now I prefer pushing the 'good', and encouragement. In the end it's easy to be a dick but it takes effort to be kind and helpful. You've never come across as an ass though. Not as I've seen anyway so you don't have to latch onto the idea that you're causing others problems.

Fantastic news on the live orchestration.. Remember to record videos of them while playing your tracks!!! It's a monumental point in your career, the beginning of hearing your compositions played and sung!!!!

Hang in there KatM'. It gets easier.


2014-08-23 01:03:45

わたしゅ わ 唯 です

Give it about 5 more weeks and I'll be able to do better than that.

(Updated ) KatMaestro responds:

Don't hope so high. Even a music vet doesn't bet on the winning side.

Japanese's grammar is so difficult.


2014-08-23 01:07:22

oh fuck that last line

よろしく おねがいします*

KatMaestro responds:



2014-08-23 01:10:51

oh wait second line too

I'm not used to using the Nip keyboard on my iPod